| Note
to editors/publishers: The following essay is a stand-alone, and/or a
sample for a booklet titled "Meditations — In 666 Words". |
| John
Aalborg P O Box 38 Ponce de Leon FL 32455-0038 850-836-4762 aalborg@jbaal.com |
Satire 1,666 words Hardcopy on request Bio & credits |
'Al
Borgzeera
Unfit News and headlines from the Middle East
by John Aalborg (Non PC, colorized, gender-specific version) (1,666 words) "Respect for any viewpoint has always had to be earned, except in the realm of religion. This dangerous exemption no longer exists." Thus spake television and publishing divinity Opulent Bornfree, and media outlets worldwide scrambled to conform. Not us, however, no ma'am/it/siree! As editors of "Meditations — 666 Words" we have a fundamental reputation to uphold. (Note, however, that as we go to press our marketing department is in emergency session). In the meantime, we are eager to provide a sampling of recent quotes and clips to illuminate the tackiness of disrespectful reporting, regardless how factual, from the planet's theological swamp-lands. ALLAH'S THRONE SIGHTED!
Fuqua Din, a Sufi
Arabian coed on a student visa and studying
Astrolabia
here at the Baptist Bible Institute, has new testimony to support the
Islamic
belief that Allah actually does sit on a throne. "People shouldn't dis
Muslims
for thinking the Creator [of all the vast and wondrous intricacies of
the
universe] is like a, well, you know, a king wearing a stupid crown and
stuff."
Ms. Fuqua claims that when she was abducted by aliens recently, their
scan
of her brain revealed some religious doubts. Before she was returned to
Earth,
therefore, "with my virginity intact", she was flown past Paradise.
"There
was almost a blinding halo around the pedestal thing the throne was
bolted
to, and I was given special glasses. I couldn't make out Allah's face,
but
His chair was definitely a throne, and it had plush, red upholstery."
Her
dean at the B.B.I. has pronounced the experience to be genuine
"...because
I know this student intimately, and she would not have been able to
make
up the part about the special glasses."PALESTINIAN BIRTHRATE TO
PLUMMET!
Newly printed posters
plastered all over Israel are publicizing the
government's
latest, long-term victory plan. The poster features a grinning,
yarmulke-capped
helicopter pilot dropping graphic pornography over the courtyard of a
mosque.
Below, a forest of outstretched arms reaches for the books falling from
the
sky. Air Force chief-of-staff Aerial Shimon is not denying
responsibility
for the porn campaign designed to reduce the birthrate among Islamics,
and
stated he was happy to discontinue crop-dusting RU-486 over Palestinian
controlled
areas. "Dumping girlie-books is cheaper than that atomized coathanger
we
were caught spraying. Besides, I've seen their wives and looked at the
porn.
No contest. To the terrorists I say, `May your palms grow hair for a
thousand
years.'"ROMA-DOWNY RECANTS!
Christian and Islamic
glee over PeeWee Herman's defeated
attempt
to get his foot in prime-time's back door, so to speak, was short
lived.
After Roma-Downy Fabric Softener retracted the announcement that it
would
sponsor PeeWee Herman's Adult Playhouse, Downy spokes pusson, Tubercula
Montgomery,
said, "We don't need PeeWee. The ratings of our 'Touched by a Spook'
have
been
skyrocketing since the producers made the angels anatomically correct."
TERRORIST CLONE LAB
DISCOVERED!
A clone lab,
rumored
for years to exist under the streets of Ramallah,
has
been destroyed in an pre-dawn raid. Preliminary findings estimate the
secret
complex was capable of producing almost a hundred Islamic-looking males
per
week, each of them nineteen years of age. The Israelis are suddenly
admitting
that the money already spent on reducing the non-existent Muslim
birthrate
was a waste. "They're not breeding, they're cloning!" The average
citizen,
however, knew for years there was something fishy about all those
swarthy,
look-alike young men all the same age. Terrorism beneficiary and ex
president George Bush pronounced, "We knew all along. Just look at
them!" When
questioned
later, Duhbya explained, "I meant, look at the couples, not the clones."IN GODS WE TRUST
SHITALA JOINS WAR ON
TERRORISM!
The ever en
passant Secretary of Homeland Insecurity USA declared that the recent
media disrespect for religion is un-American. "It is also dangerous,"
he stated at a prayer breakfast for Senator Trent Faux-Locks Wednesday
morning. "Taboos against stuff go back to primitive times and persist
for good reason. The recent impiety in the media could be harmful even
to Christians, regardless how superior we know our own religion to be."
After waiting for the applause to subside, the secretary went on to
say, "Take your Hindus. Many of them pray to Shitalla, The Goddess of
Smallpox. Seriously, do Amuricans really want to disrespect this
bio-relevant incarnation of Devi?" Mumbling could be heard throughout
the room as the ignorant majority of the attending representatives
concluded that Devi, a.k.a. Durga the Unapproachable, must be the wife
of the late Shah of Iran; and it was also agreed that no religion could
be so dumb as to have a Goddess of Smallpox with a name like Shit Allah.EDITOR'S NOTE: A fact-check has confirmed that the pox goddess, Shitalla, does indeed exist. (Blessings be upon her). MOTHER OF GOD DRIES UP!
Egypt's Sheikh al
Marsupial ibn Haq, touring Europe's art museums with
The
Reverend Ba'al Sharpton for the much publicized religious
reconciliation
program
"Tour of the Gods", claimed that as soon as he entered the gallery
featuring
Jean Fouquet's renowned painting, The Virgin
of
Melun, Mary's bare and fulsome breast began to shrivel. The sheikh
declared,
"Fifty people saw it. All those Christian porno pictures of the
so-called
Mother of God with breasts full of milk, well, Allah has spoken! And your
Baby
Jesus was transforming, before our very eyes, into a starveling just
like
those Somalian infants with the skinny necks and popping eyes." One of
the
museum guards, however, Muqrat Praaghafi, a French Algerian who was on
duty
at the time, told this reporter: "Forget the fifty witnesses. The
sheikh was
the only one who saw it." Praaghafi thought for a moment, then added,
"Besides Al and me." PESKY MICROPHONE NAILS PERES!
After a news conference
he called to deny leaks about his doubts
regarding
the historical Moses, and thinking the sound system had been turned
off,
Shimon Peres was overheard at the BBC's Mark Frei: "And Orla Guerin
wears
army boots!"SHARPTON CITES MIRACLE!
While touring The
Louvre with Egypt's Sheikh al Marsupial ibn Haq, The
Reverend Ba'al Sharpton claimed that as soon as their entourage entered
the Islamic
art
section, screams could be heard from the walls which were hung with
paintings
of Mohammad and his conquering armies. "Everyone there heard the cries
for
mercy," Sharpton said, "and the canvasses were dripping blood! The
sheikh
says our Lord Jesus was only a prophet, but whatever he thinks Jesus
was,
He was a man of peace. Every painting in the world depicts Jesus in a
meadow
or at the seashore, sitting on a nice, smooth rock with a baby lamb in
His
lap and stuff. Not one picture shows Our Lord -- blessings be upon Him
--
with a bloody sword in hand riding a horse over a field littered with
enemy
wounded. Trampling horses are heavy! Their hooves are sharp!"HOSPITAL BEDS FILLED WITH
CHRISTIANS!
In another ankle-bite
at civilization, Quttar's renowned TV news organization "Al Jeez" stated that
America's
healthcare system is breaking down "...because the hospitals are filled
to
capacity with Christians! Seriously ill Americans are either fighting
their
insurance providers tooth-and-nail for benefits way beyond what they
paid
for, or giving up whatever pride they had left to wheedle and cajole
the
government into paying to keep them alive. Even when they know they are
impoverishing
the healthcare system for the next generation, they insist on this
grasping
for a little more time. How can a Muslim respect Christianity, a
religion
where Heaven is the reward for the faithful, when none of the faithful
want
to go? They will do anything not to go. Surely this is evidence they do
not
believe. That they are all infidels, of course, we knew all along."CHICK TRACT ATTACK!
Iran's Mawand
"The
Judge" Pawdudi borked on state television Saturday
that
the infamous, 12-page Christian booklets known as "Chick Tracts",
showing
up lately on top of public urinals and condom dispensers all over
Persia,
er, Iran, are "...risque, illegal, and blasphemous. They are also
American,"
he ranted. "The Americans print them and the Americans love them. Their
Twinkie chomping fundamentalists are infiltrating our public facilities
to place them in public view. They keep extra copies in their pockets
and hand them out like candy to underage children.Take your tract
Number 42." The ayatollah holds a
booklet
up before the camera. The title: ALLAH HAD NO SON. "It says right here,
on
page four, that we Muslims expect a Muslim flag to be flying over the
White
House by 2010! We should be so lucky! Then it goes on to claim that our
crescent-moon
symbol came about because the original god we worshiped was the Moon
God,
who married the sun goddess and had three daughters called `the
daughters
of Allah'. And that Allah was just one of the 360 idols in the sacred
Kaaba in
Mecca!"
Pawdudi continued to wave the booklet in front of the cameras. "This
little
screed of Satan even claims that Muhammad knew about this, and ..." EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point our satellite feed was jammed, but we have a copy of the tract. SACKCLOTH FLEECES AMERICA!
Ex USA
Attorney General John Sackcloth was cited on a recent "Fleecing of
Civilization" segment for spending over $8,000 of taxpayer money on a
purple veil to cover the bare breast of the "Spirit of Justice", a
statue in the Great Hall of the Department of Justice which has been
there, sans gêne, since 1936. Saudi Arabia denies it made
any objection during Prince Abdullah's visit to the building, and
Sackcloth denied it was his wife who made the initial objection. During
our investigation, however, Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai told this
reporter that back home in Kabul they can cover two of those
lust-provoking glands for the price of one purple burqa — about
ten dollars US, plus foreign shipping and handling.Copyright 2010 John Aalborg |
