"The Original Deadbeat Dad"

In 666 Words:

For the day when religion can be taught in our public schools:
an illumination of "The Lord's Prayer" starring GOD the FATHER as

The Original Deadbeat Dad

by
John Aalborg

OUR FATHER...

There is no question regarding paternity. The Bible unashamedly states—from Genesis to Revelation—that we are God's children and Jehovah is our Dad.

     WHO ART IN HEAVEN...
In the vernacular: skipped the planet. Dad's fundamentalist diplomatic core, claiming to be in direct communication, can't even give us His foreign address. Worse than trying to send letters to Santa Claus by addressing them to the North Pole. No extradition treaty. No 1-800 number.

     HALLOWED BE THY NAME...
With the recent proliferation of "deadbeat-dad laws", hartdcore Muslims and Christians are pressed to censor and suppress the reality regarding our Father's neglect of His children while publicly glorifying His name. Ignoring worldwide trends toward justice for the defenseless, the fundamentalist priority continues to be the reinstatement of groveling and begging, in schools and in public gatherings, for any support we, His offspring, can wheedle from the Old Man.

     THY KINGDOM COME...
Don't hold your breath. The above-mentioned deadbeat-dad laws are the final nail in the coffin of the Second Coming. But to be prudent we should probably stop coveting Nevada for the first, national landfill. If He returns, Dad will have to cover the entire state with presses just to print the money He'll need to satisfy negligence awards.

     THY WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN...
Please! Dad's will, as spelled out in our ancient owner's manual (Chilton automobile manuals update yearly) violates every civilized law and protocol known to man. Slavery, women as booty, the death sentence for wayward children (if one chooses not to sell them into slavery), cruel and unusual and eternal punishment. I could go on....

     GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD...
Here Dad freely admits that we, His children, are grubbing for subsistence, but He requires us to beg for our food and shelter anyway, and the begging done every day!

     AND FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES...
When the Cruise Control of a new car malfunctions, the vehicle is taken back to the dealer for a warranty repair. But when we defective humans behave improperly it's supposed to be our own fault. Hey! I didn't invent myself—how about you?

     AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US...
Here we are expected to forgo the harsh, Divine example and go one step farther: to forgive without any requirement of a prior, cruel, blood sacrifice. After you, Father!

     AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION...
Take sex. Every creature operates according to the Laws of Nature, which are, in fact, Dad's laws. Every creature is born with certain desires wired in: the drive to compete for power, to eat when hungry, to copulate when horny. Dad wants us to believe that He had nothing to do with any of that kind of stuff so He calls these particular instincts "temptation". His denial of responsibility which we have come to expect.

     BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL...
Earth, our planet and our home, is a mine-field of lethal surprises, all planted by Dad Himself. This is what originally blew the cover of our Father when He risked a visit here disguised as the seemingly benevolent "Jesus". While keeping medical and other vital information close to His chest, He toured our miserable condition incognito (never mentioning the toxicity of lead, for example, a metal widely used then) as He healed only the sick who happened to be present along His path. Be not surprised! As Creator of Satan and all of the planet's exquisitely complex diseases and other evils, Jehovah and the benevolent Jesus are one and the same! Gotchya, Dad!

     FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM, AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY...
This mandatory, suck-up statement once again blatantly underscores one of Dad's basic (and illegal) requirements—that His children worship Him. Try to force your own kids to worship you and go directly to jail. "Power" to end disease? "Glory"?

     FOREVER AND EVER.
Look at it this way: One Father, no statute of limitations. We, your children, hold You forever responsible.