"Secret Thoughts of Liberals"

Part I
We university-educated, science-buff, bleeding-heart liberals know things we don't dare tell. The knowledge would destroy Earth.

For one thing, we secretly believe everything is natural. (Shhhhh!) Take the bombardier beetle's highly evolved, high-tech, chemical weapon: glands in its posterior with a reactive chamber and a nozzle facing rearward. The glands produce chemicals which, when mixed together, produce a boiling-hot, toxic spray which is released when the beetle moons an attacker. If there were only a thousand of the beetles left, we bleeding hearts would have to protect these bums. The point to be drawn from this is that the same consideration must be made for the present state of human evolution, and as a consequence, whatever humans develop. Regardless how cruel or indiscriminate, all homo sap behavior and the weapons systems we create are a natural component of evolution. (Shhhhh! Its fun to force our leaders, especially the kind with first and last names short enough for them to spell, to think they have to defend our secret weapons programs and our nukes and stuff like that).

RU486 is natural, too, but it's okay to talk about that. The planet is overpopulated with third-world, extreme dressers who, when not copulating, can be seen either running around half naked or covered head-to-toe with bedsheets. Obviously extremists. RU486 would help them to stop overflowing our borders, that's for sure, and crowding our public transportation system. Been on a bus lately? Maybe we could make some kind of secret deal with the Christian militias, like give the faith-based right a collective, left-wing wink-and-nod to sending thousands of crop dusters loaded with aerosol RU486 over the 3rd world. But we should not tell these and other bad-hair people that it is natural and therefore acceptable for humans to have evolved into the type of creatures who would resort to such methods. Letting the other side know the reasoning behind this would open the box, so to speak.

We also believe children have the same rights as adults but (shhhhh!) you and I know that the age requirements for driving and coitus are way too low. We bleeding hearts, deep down inside in our heart of hearts, also know it is not proper for penniless, unwed mothers to breed at taxpayer expense. God, at least, certainly did not give them that right, evidenced by the fact that the survival of mother and progeny gets a boost not from heavenly angels being charitable but from us liberal humans being humane. Keep in mind, The Ineffable Plan (aka Nature's Plan) leaves homeless, unwed animals on their own to starve. The Humane Society, by the way, is not called the Godly Society for good reason. Anyway, it has been three thousand years since Jehovah rained food, and only SheHeIt knows how bad manna really tastes. If it tasted like chicken, believe me, The Good Book would have said so.

(Shhhhh!) We liberals are either current or ex dope smokers. Everybody knows that, but do you know we secretly believe that dope testing should be performed on people on the dole, not people on the job. Give the slackers a little incentive there!

A law which would ban legislators and lobbyists from wearing hairpieces would benefit everyone. We know this is a non-PC statement but we are against pollution, which includes the visual. Better they pasted "See Rock City" bumper stickers on their foreheads.

Another unwritten tenet: Officials of the government power structure are always suspect, even when we liberals are in power, but official government chicks are always cool.

We really need a one-world government, but the comforting thought for us liberals is that it will take a long time to implement and by that time we'll be dead. We are too old and comfortable now to even contemplate for a second our pension and Social Security benefits leveling off worldwide to twenty-five dollars per month.

Part II
Oil, and who owns it. We liberals know, from old newsreels, what the pre-oil Saudi and Hashemite families smelled and looked like while they were running around killing each other with their bolt-action rifles, snagging their filthy gowns jumping over barbed wire, et cetera -- all on film. Today, however, they are oh-so-dignified and rich. Their many princes so fine, professing allegiance to Mohammed and the sacred writ of the Koran, (the original no-alcohol "Big Book", so to speak) while they spend your fossil-fuel money traveling to other 3rd world countries outside the reach of their mullahs and sharia law; where they can booze it up and defile themselves with destitute women who put out for food, who, for a little more money allow these pious Islamics to rape their underage, virgin daughters. These ex goat-humpers are all addicted to light-skinned whores now (red-heads with strawberry nipples are highly prized). Yet, when they are at home and despite the dress code, they father children like there is no tomorrow. We secretly believe, therefore and anyway, that all the liquid under the ground should belong to everyone on the planet just as do the oceans and the sky above. Maritime law and spy satellites set the sovreignity precidents for this, and locally you've got your paparazzi and traffic-report choppers, your dope-spotter planes, blondes taking flying lessons in Cessnas, aircraft in general all legally flying over your "private" swimming pool at will.... Well, it's time to get moving on this underground flowing-wealth thing. Let the nomads get back to being nomads. Reintroduce them to their natural environment, so to speak, which is only natural. In fact, taking underground assets away from them militarily would be the most natural thing on Earth! But you didn't hear it from us. (Shhhhh!)

Chechnya should be an example for Islamic mothers to teach their young men that until Allah makes them bullet proof it would be best to finish school, register to vote, and be somebody someday other than a coffin with a flag over it. Learning the alphabet and learning to speak one of the languages that instructions for machinery is printed with would help, too. That martyrs will receive seventy virgins when they reach Paradise is absurd and should be a mother's first lesson to her little boys. Even if it were true, a boy should be reminded that his mother will be left behind on Earth while the infidels retaliate against his neighborhood and violate his sisters.

(Shhhhh!) Liberals secretly believe it's okay for the Russians to ban American evangelists and to have their own state religion now. Hey, Russians look like us, they dress like us, and their alphabet is almost recognizable. A plus in today's world, believe me. And speaking of their alphabet, look up "Cyril the Apostle". The Russians have been screwed by evangelists before.

Back here in the USA, simple scales should be installed in the offices where they dish out food stamps. The so-called poverty-level looks suspiciously porky, seems to us. Remember when hungry people were skinny? And instead of the trend away from those books of stamps to a plastic gold-card you can swipe, we should be going the other way and distributing the food itself from the backs of trucks. Lots of vegetables and whole grains, no whitebread and candybars. Consider the medical benefits for the recipients, who would be making fewer visits to the ER billed to Medicaid. Imagine! The losers on our streets feeling and looking good!

Spanking is wrong because it teaches an impressionable young mind that violence settles differences. Mouthing off, for instance, shouldn't generate a smack. But maybe (shhhhh!) better learn this lesson from a parent who loves you than take your diploma later on the street with a bullet. I probably didn't get spanked enough as a child, and here I am mouthing off in public. Well, here's looking at you through the crosshairs!