"MIDDLE-SCHOOL RELIGION 101 - First Week Questionnaire"

In 666 Words:

"MIDDLE-SCHOOL RELIGION 101"

by
John Aalborg

First Week Questionnaire

Note to parents: This questionnaire is to be completed by each student enrolled in the now mandatory "Basic Religion Studies" class. Please ensure your child answers each question properly, circling all answers which apply unless otherwise stated. The results will assist our teachers during the trying times ahead.

1. Are you or any close members of your family for or against the new requirement, recently mandated by Congress, that religion be taught in public schools? (circle one)
    a. Fundamentally for
   b. Violently against
    c. Peacefully against
    d. Republican

2. "In God We Trust" for...?
    a. airport security.
    b. cancer research.
    c. trapped coal-miner rescues.
    d. activities not requiring helmets or seat-belts.

3. The Latin phrase "E pluribus unum" means (circle one)
    a. "In God We Trust"
    b. "Let the games begin!"
    c. "Allah is great."
    d. "Out of many, one"

4. It is okay to pray for
    a. bringing back American bomber pilots alive.
   b. the timely and painful death of enemy bombers.
    c. the safe completion of every plane trip I am on.
    d. the souls of Americans killed on other planes.

5. I believe that earthquakes, typhoons, floods, plagues, asteroids targeted at earth, and volcanic eruptions are
    a. acts of God.
    b. happen much more in countries where they worship Allah.
    c. happen "all by themselves".
    d. proof that Allah isn't that great.

6. What does "The Lord's Prayer" teach us?
    a. God the Father is in Heaven. (no address/telephone)
    b. We need to pray to Our Father for our food.
    c. It is implied that we should beg Him for all basic needs.
    d. God the Father™ is The Original Deadbeat Dad.©

7. Evolution is (circle one)
    a. without a clue, shape, or void.
    b. comes from seeds planted here by aliens.
    c. designed and created by God the Father.
    d. determined by Lady Luck and a roll of the dice.

8. "Free will" means
    a. we are all guilty.
    b. we choose to be who we are and what we believe.
    c. we get to pick our parents before we are conceived.
    d. I could not have been born a foreigner or a fishing worm.

9. The other religions of the world are
    a. atheistic, deist, and/or agnostic. (our founding fathers)
    b. quaint and questionable. (Catholics)
    c. Graphic, weird, and V-chip material. (Hindus)
    d. Non-graphic, weird, and fashion challenged. (Muslims)

10. The Jews are
    a. God's chosen people.
    b. God's neglected people.
    c. people Hitler should have united with to rule the planet.
    d. aliens.

11. We should forgive others (circle one)
    a. willingly and without prior conditions. (liberals)
    b. willingly, but within reason. (Humanists)
    c. only after they sacrifice something. (Christians/Jews)
    d. only after we do them like they did us. (Muslims)

12. A "miracle" has occurred when
    a. a plane crashes and a family member survives.
    b. any plane I am on lands safely.
    c. a cure for a disease is found (no hint from God).
    d. when God cures somebody. Anybody.

13. Why can hospitals and doctors charge whatever they want?
    a. Nobody wants to go to Heaven.
    b. Acupuncture cures don't last long.
    c. Health insurance companies have a deal with God/Allah.
    d. Faith healing always works best at the hospital.

14. Statistics show that most children are the same religion as their parents. Do you accept this?
    a. No. I don't believe in statistics.
    b. No. Some children are adopted and have to switch.
    c. No. I chose to belong to the only true religion.
    d. Yes. My soul picked me to be born where I was.

15. Parents only: It is okay to pray for
    a. one's children to be born the correct race.
    b. children whose parents can't afford medical insurance.
    c. the safe passage to Heaven for children who die.
    d. "acts of God" to remain focused on foreign children.

16. Parents only: We are (circle whatever)
    a. happy and blessed to be heterosexual.
    b. heterosexual, but do "it" to propagate only.
    c. gay and atheistic or agnostic.
    d. gay but faithfully give thanks for food and basics.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Because this is a religious questionnaire, there are no correct answers.